Here I come to save the day....
When I was a kid I wanted to be a super hero and fight for truth, justice and the American Way. I secretly knew I must have super powers – I only needed to discover them.
Fast-forward 40 years. My super power has finally revealed itself.
I am the Amazing, Middle-Aged, Invisible Woman!
The other day I was walking down a narrow hallway. Two young ladies approached from the other direction, talking and laughing. As we came abreast it was apparent that all three of us could not pass at the same time. Did they move over, or drop back to single file to make room? No. I had to flatten myself to the wall to avoid a collision, leaving a grass-cloth imprint on my cheek that is just starting to fade.
That was when it occurred to me – I must be invisible!
This is amazing! Invisibility was one of the powers I yearned for as a child. (To be honest, at that point it had less to do with fighting crime than with a desire to be able to walk into Kresge’s and take all the toys I wanted without being seen.)
There were early clues to my future power, though I did not recognize them at the time. This explains why the cute, popular boys ignored me when I was a teenager.
Since that moment of amazing discovery, I’ve seen my super power in action several times.
- At the Social Security office last week, there was an entire room full of employees going through their routines 6 feet away from where I stood, waiting at the counter. Not one of them could see me!
- I was driving down the road the other day and a 13-year-old boy stepped off the curb in the middle of the block and moseyed across the street. He looked in my direction, but did not stop or even blink as I slammed on the brakes to avoid killing him. And if I briefly toyed with the idea that this was evidence of his rude disregard for others, I quickly dismissed such thoughts. Surely this behavior could only mean I was invisible.
- I was in line at a trendy coffee shop, trying to get a $5 cup of coffee. The two high school-age clerks, engrossed in a conversation about one’s chances of getting off work the following Friday, did not even notice I was there.
As amazing as my nascent power is, I’ve noticed it only works on certain people. There are two main groups to whom my very existence is hidden:
1) Customer service representatives, with a special emphasis on civil servants.
2) Teenagers. The power is strong in me here.
Everything about me is hidden from these special groups; vehicles in which I am riding, my voice, even my phone calls won’t register.
This explains why every time I call the customer service department of a company, I am unable to get a real person to pick up the phone. And all the times I thought my 18-year-old daughter was ignoring me, I could not have been more wrong. Now I see – it’s not her, it’s me!
Though my powers are somewhat limited, I am eager to use them to help mankind.
If an 18-year-old Department of Motor Vehicles customer service clerk should go on a crime spree, send up the Amazing, Middle-Aged, Invisible Woman signal. I’ll be there in a flash!
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Embrace your invisibility! At the very least, invest in a lovely cape and help yourself to overpriced coffee (what the hell, have a pastry to go with it).
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Oh! I like the way BSC thinks!
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why thank you!
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Alas, now that I’ve developed my powers, I’ve also developed my conscience.
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That’s gonna seriously deflate the invisibility fun factor – my condolences.
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The force is strong in this one. Stay away from the Dark Side, MAIW. Who knows how many teenage lives you could cast into social oblivion by using your powers to replace the shorts they were planning on wearing in -20 degree weather with clean, sensible denim with no rips that fit properly instead of sliding down below their butts? How many innocent baristas would end up paying exorbitant psychologist fees in the attempt to rid themselves of the disembodied voice they keep hearing saying, “Kindly get your butt moving and make my Grande Half Caf Skim Vanilla Latte before I whisper in that obnoxious regular’s ear that you think he’s cute.”? What chaos would you cause at the DMV when a seemingly empty automobile passes the driving test with flying colors?
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So you’re suggesting, instead of using my powers to fight crime, I should use them to avenge social and fashion wrongs and mess with people’s heads. Intriguing idea…
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From my perspective, that WOULD be fighting crime.
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Thank you for opening my eyes to the hidden powers that I, as a middle aged woman, also share with you. If we all banded together, can you imagine the impact we could have on the world today?
Wait a minute — we already have an impact on the world today: we pay our taxes, keep our kids fed and clothed, show up for our jobs and do them right and one time, run the endless errands, ensure that there is peanut butter in the cupboards and a stale slice of bread of two, pay the bills, and feed the dog.
All, as you observe, without being seen.
This is a hilariously funny post. Thank you for starting my mid-week with a smile.
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Welcome, fellow super-hero! Right you are, to point out our many super-deeds on the home front. I must have blocked all that stuff out for some reason.
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I can relate to the issue of being invisible to people passing by me… one time, I deliberately DIDN’T move to the side when some lady was coming my way, and she actually bumped right into me instead of moving! The gall!! And I’m not even middle-aged… (44 isn’t middle-aged, is it???)
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Yeah, who does she think she is, carrying that fancy, schmancy, red-tipped cane and thinking she’s BETTER than the rest of us, and WE should get out of her way? The nerve.
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I have the same powers but it seems like mine only work at home. My man, my princess, and my dogs do not even budge when i talk. Need to see how i can use that to my benefit.
My littel girl (she is 4) asked me last night if she still had the super powers from eth blue drink she had had weeks ago. It was called a “powerade”. Similiar to energade, not sure if you know what i am talking about.
I just giggled and said that the powers only last a few hours not weeks, and we woudl have to get her some more.
“Make sure it is the blue one mom”.
xx
Enjoyed this post!
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Of course Powerade would give one powers – why didn’t I think of that? Your little girl is one, smart little super-hero!
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Heh heh.
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Hee hee hee!
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Me too! I have noticed that the more my face sags, the more invisible I become. However, I did have an experience recently that turned out pretty good in the end. I stopped at a Ruby Tuesday’s restaurant for lunch (alone) late one afternoon and sat at a table for about 20 minutes and could not get anyone to acknowledge me, let alone take my order. They were not even busy. I sent their corporate office an e-mail to let them know about what happened, and they sent me a $40 Gift Certificate! Cha-ching!
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You go girl! Take the fight to the corporate board rooms. In your case, though, invisibility might have less to do with sagging than with being skinny and hard to spot. Were you sitting among stripes?
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