The joyful Christmas season is, unfortunately, also a time of increased accidents. This year the super-wealthy are at even greater risk. Why? Because the death tax rate in the U.S. is going up on 1/1/11.
This tax, also known as the inheritance or estate tax, is currently at a historic low – zero (0). It is going up to 35%, or perhaps as high as 55%, at the first of the year.
The pending tax change might encourage some gold-digger wives to make sure they get what they REALLY want for Christmas.
As a public service to the very, very wealthy, here are some valuable tips.
Be extra vigilant if involved with:
1) Christmas tree lights: Wife’s insistence on putting a large lighted wreath above the bathtub should raise red flag.
2) Funny tasting eggnog: Better have wife’s obnoxious, yappy Pomeranian test it first. Or, better yet, the cabana boy.
3) Playing dirty Santa and the naughty elf: All the warnings enumerated in those distasteful Viagra ads apply here.
4) Shoveling snow: Never mind – billionaires have this done for them.
How vigilant do I need to be?
That depends on a number of factors.
Since most of the filthy rich got that way by being hard-number guys, I have developed a mathematical model to quantify the risk. The result is the Holiday Danger Factor (hdf).
The equation: a (log) x w + p = hdf
a (hyw) e
where: a (log) = age of loaded old geezer
a (hyw) = age of hot young wife
w = wealth of geezer (expressed in millions)
e = education level of wife (years after grade school)
p = # of Speedos owned by young, studly pool boy
hdf = holiday danger factor
The hdf is then checked against the following table. Each level has been given a name for ease of remembrance:
hdf Level Risk
❤ Gates very low
4-8 Seinfeld low to moderate
9-13 Grammar Have attorney on speed dial
14-19 King Keep safe-house stocked
<20 That guy who was married Have food taster on staff
to Anna Nicole Smith (may she rest
Let’s run through a few examples to illustrate how the model works.
Example 1: 55-year-old man with $3,000,000 in the bank, married to 51-year-old schoolteacher (advanced degree assumed). No pool, or maintenance handled by HOA fees.
55 x 3 + 0 = .09
Conclusion: Go ahead and install Santa & sleigh on rooftop. Use ordinary caution.
Example 2: 90 year old billionaire married to 23 year old who dropped out of school at age 16 to pursue Miss Ta-tas of Abilene title. 20-year-old pool boy hired by wife last year moonlights as underwear model.
90 x 20 + 15 = 26.29
Conclusion: May want to let wife spend the holidays at the mansion with the pool boy, while you hide out for a month in an undisclosed location. Heavily guarded.
You can avoid all this worry by cutting the gold-digging, nubile young wife out of the equation. Get rid of her!
What you need is an attractive, caring, more mature woman. Perhaps a blogger with a good sense of humor. I know someone who could be available quickly, possibly as soon as this weekend (if her husband makes good on his promise to put up the rooftop Santa sleigh).
If I am able to ensure even one billionaire makes it to 2011, my work here has been worthwhile.