Lost: One Husband. Substantial Reward For Safe Return

deadendGypsyroad2

Many women suspect their husbands would be lost without them.  I have proof.

We were visiting my parents and Mom needed something picked up across town.  My husband offered to drive me, chivalry giving him an excuse to show off his latest toy.  Getting my gadget-loving guy a GPS had been a stroke of gift-giving genius on my part.  It was also practical.  Bill would rather spend 40 years wandering in the desert than ask for directions.

He typed the destination address into the GPS’ keypad as we backed out of the driveway. “Calculating route,” said a surprisingly sexy, woman’s voice.

“Turn right on Lincoln,” the sultry voice continued, “and travel east 2.1 miles.”  Bill seemed mesmerized.  He could barely drag his eyes from the screen to watch the road.

“The satellite tracks our location,” he explained, “then Gypsy figures the best route.” He smiled as proudly as if he’d invented the thing.

“Gypsy?” I arched an eyebrow.

“Oh.  Ha ha!  Just a little nickname.  You know, for GPS?”  My macho husband actually blushed.

“Turn left on Mackinaw and travel north for 4.7 miles,” Gypsy said, seductively.

“I don’t think Mackinaw goes through,” I said, doubtfully.

“Gypsy has the latest maps,” Bill said, firmly.

The route looked more familiar with each passing mile.  “Mackinaw dead-ends at the highway.” I stated, sure of myself now.  “This will take us miles out of our way.”

“I think Gypsy knows best,” Bill said, his smirk so condescending he might as well have patted me on the head.

“But, but…” I sputtered, “are you going to listen to her instead of me?  I grew up here.  And I’m your wife!”

“Continue north on Mackinaw for 3.2 miles,” Gypsy purred.  She and Bill acted as if I wasn’t even in the car.

Gypsy’s frequent reminders were the only sounds heard for the next 5 minutes.   I sat slouched in stony silence with my arms folded across my chest.  Then I sat up straight.  I started to smile.  My smile stretched from ear to ear by the time we reached the next stop sign.

“Continue straight for 1.4 miles,” Gypsy commanded.

“Well?” I said, innocently. “You heard her.”

Bill didn’t respond.  He was busy contemplating the steep, grass-covered hill that arose straight ahead of the T-intersection at which we were stopped.   He turned right, scowling.

“Recalculating route,” Gypsy said.  She didn’t sound quite so sexy now.  In fact, she sounded annoyed.

So did Bill as he muttered, “Oh, shut up,” and flipped the GPS to “Off.”

He swallowed his pride and asked me for directions after just a few minutes.  I showed restraint and didn’t tell him to get lost.  Instead, I told him where to go.

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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68 Responses to Lost: One Husband. Substantial Reward For Safe Return

  1. Duke says:

    Reblogged this on Duke_Let.

  2. Whenever anyone mentions GPS, or satnav as we call it here, I always have to share my funny story…

    Several years back I was staying at a friend’s house and she had just got herself a satnav. Just before bed she had brought it into the living room to proudly show me how it worked. Straight after that was sleep time. I was sleeping on a big fancy inflatable mattress in the living room. I had just started to drift off when I heard a voice saying “Please turn around”, in my half-asleep state I thought it was the mattress speaking to me, and imagined it must be a highly sophisticated inflatable mattress that assessed your sleeping position, and then suggested a better one. So I turned around. A few minutes later it spoke again, and I turned again. This went on for most of the night (or that’s how it felt) with me getting increasingly annoyed, repeatedly turning around. and saying “There! Is that better?!”

    How we laughed in the morning when we figured out what had been happening!

  3. mistyslaws says:

    Ha! This reminds me of stories of how some GPS’ would lead people straight into lakes and fields. Brilliant. Then again, I don’t think there is any way to get our husbands unlost. They are pretty much a lost cause at this point!

  4. Carrie Rubin says:

    Haha, loved this! Gypsy. Too funny. I recently bought my husband a portable GPS unit, too. He has no problem asking directions and does so frequently. He also still prints out maps and uses atlases. I thought it was time to bring him into the new millennium. He loves it, but now I’m wondering if he’s secretly named his sexy seductress, too…

  5. Al says:

    Getting directions from Mapquest…smart. Getting directions from a GPS….priceless. Getting directions from your wife….humiliating!

    We mourn for you , Bill.

  6. Not only do I no longer call my GPS system by name, I’ve actually turned off her voice because I felt like I was cheating every time I went for a drive…she sometimes takes me the long way around, but hasn’t put me into a hill or lake yet. We have a thing.

  7. Bill is not alone. He-Who is directionally challenged. I always say, “He can get lost going to the washroom at night”. The number of times he has had to call me and ask me how to get home is remarkable. He usually doesn’t know where he is and has to describe landmarks around him so I can help him. When we did have a GPS I set “him” up and his name was George.

  8. franhunne4u says:

    Yeah, if you leave all your trust to a machine you are left … I used to use mine with intelligence (it’s what the enemy uses) and reason – and this I reached my goal safely. According to my satnav I was driving over land and hill, through a creek and should have been charged by several bulls on all those meadows .. but I used a fine new road instead the navigation system did not know. But then again – I am female. Males cannot disbelieve a display just because it does not match reality.

  9. The Cutter says:

    Honestly, I trust the GPS more than my wife in terms of directions too. I mean, how often is a computer wrong? My wife? She’s wrong about lots of stuff!

  10. I’m a map lady. Always check maps before venturing out to a new place, to be sure I know where I’m going before setting out. Still don’t have GPS, although Pat uses it off his smart phone when we’re traveling together.
    I remember when we had sister’s weekend in Ann Arbor and our hotel was on the south-west side of the city. Bypassed all the city driving with a bypass route and did just fine. Some sisters followed their GPS and were directed straight through downtown Ann Arbor. Not the most expedient route, with lots of traffic and stop lights every corner. That’s one reason why I don’t use GPS.

    • pegoleg says:

      Me too, Tar. I have used the map feature on my phone a few times, but I generally turn off the feature because I’m paranoid/careful/practical about Big Brother knowing where I am at all times. Then when I try to use the map, it thinks I’m still in the last place I was when I used it.

      • Another technology to master or be mastered by? I was beginning to believe it was ME who was the problem with all this technology.
        Don’t need a computer telling me how to drive, when it has no knowledge other than uploaded info from various road commissions, which you so succinctly described with the hubster.
        Think I’ll use my own brain and maps and knowledge to get me where I’m going.
        Love it, Pegoleg :)

  11. Elyse says:

    The perfect followup for his “mansplainin” was to have to ask you for directions … poetic justice!

    My son was always calling me up at work, having no clue where he was, and asking me how to get home:
    “How can I tell you that if neither of us knows where you are?”
    “Oh. Yeah. There’s a big cemetery on the left.”
    “Do you know what state you’re in? VA, MD or DC?”
    “Ummmm, I’ve been driving for a while…”
    “Can you see the Washington Monument?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Head that way. Call me when you get there.”
    My husband was really annoyed when I bought the kid a GPS — “He needs to learn to read a map.” Which is true. Also true is that it will never happen. That GPS was a godsend!

  12. Bwahaha! I wish this were applicable to A, so I could share this with him and smirk, but he either knows the way or finds it accurately almost 100% of the time. I guess this means I should share it with my women friends who’ve expressed bemusement at like scenarios . . . although without quite so many giggles! :D

    • pegoleg says:

      I must admit Bill’s sense of direction is WAY better than mine. It’s just that in this case, I did know the way and he wouldn’t listen.

  13. ksfinblog says:

    Men are usually determined lot………. even when they are wrong ;)

  14. Gypsy should have an “I told you so” button that only you are allowed to use.

  15. List of X says:

    I’ve had a couple of situations when GPS’ sweet voice asked me to turn into a concrete highway divider, or told me that I’m supposed to take the exit I just passed a half-second ago.

  16. amelie88 says:

    Hahaha, an excellent illustration that GPSes are not infallible. My father is very addicted to our GPS and most of the time it’s pretty accurate. But it does mess up once in awhile. It once told us we had arrived at our destination in Gettysburg, PA and we were still surrounded by Pennsylvanian farmlands. I guess it had something against the Gettysburg battlefields.

  17. I see this as a sort of parable for our times.

  18. I like Gypsy’s name, my compliments to Bill on that. We enjoy her company a lot except when she promises more than she can deliver. With all the confidence in the world she sends us ways we know won’t work, so we change our route and just let her scratch her head to solve the new puzzle we send to her space station in the sky. “Recalculating route” is better than “Okay, okay, we’ll do it your way.”
    Just thinking…back in the day it was all about courtesy and then we evolved to attitude. I’m afraid it won’t be long before the children of attitude program some attitude into her personality. Sigh..
    .

  19. I have GPS in my car, I have a portable as well. I rely upon them but also understand they can be slightly wrong. I do not ever let them talk to me, ever. A friend in the UK once picked me up at the airport, I was exhausted and no sooner having gotten settled in the car I fell asleep. Suddenly the voice of Darth Vadar filled the car with commands to take the rounder to the right, I nearly peed myself in fear, also screaming. He laughed of course, I was by the way his boss, I threatened to cause misery in his daily existence.

    Loved your story. Poor husband.

    • pegoleg says:

      Darth Vadar? I didn’t know you could change the voice. That’s a pretty funny story, or it would be, if it happened to somebody other than the boss.

      • Yeah, that is what he thought for the next week. It is a good thing he was actually friend as well as the other thing. My making life hell for him was twisted but funny. We are still friends.

        I don’t know if you change voices on all of them.

  20. Ha,ha!! So classic testosterone! My husband prefers to look at old fashion maps that fold and stuff. I am horrible with directions so even if it had been my home town, I probably would have listened to Gypsy too. :)

  21. Sandy Sue says:

    And I hope you did that in a sexy little GPS voice.

  22. Laura says:

    Haha, perfect ending.

    I have no sense of direction at all, so I bought a car with GPS. When I use it, I can usually get to wherever I’m trying to go, which is good, but it’s led to some embarrassing moments. I live near LA, where “what route did you take to get here” is a common topic of conversation. I often have to say I have no idea; I just turned when my car told me to.

  23. dorannrule says:

    I absolutely love this post! Our GPS insisted we turn down a one way street the wrong way! Yikes. I suppose Lola (our name for the sexy lady) is only programmed for “general” directions. We still obviously need human (wifely) intervention.

    • pegoleg says:

      What I want to know is, did you turn down that one-way street? And is “But Lola told me to!” a defense that will stand up in court?

      • dorannrule says:

        Yep, we turned down that one way street but realized our error immediately and made a U turn. Lola is probably not a viable defense in court however. By the way, my husband’s name is Bill too. :)

  24. Blogdramedy says:

    Maybe this only happens to men named “Bill” because I’ve got one exactly like him at home.
    Except in his case, he calls our GPS Tom-Toms, like pom-poms.
    It’s really rather amusing.

  25. I haven’t had any bad experiences with GPS and I’ve taken some very long trips with her as my guide. I’m sure, however, that when I disappoint her in some way, she’ll turn on me.

  26. Shannon says:

    Gypsy! That’s great. We KEEP her turned off because my husband doesn’t like to be bossed by two women at once. One in the front seat is fine. I just was the NAV and then bitch at him when he misses a turn. Everyone’s happy.

    PS — In Michigan was the only time the GPS failed us. It was funny to hear the nice sweet Gypsy voice say, “Your route guidance is ended. You have arrived at your destination,” only to be in the middle of a corn field — not the Holiday Inn where we were expecting. From then on, while traveling, we use road maps too!! Paper rules.

  27. TamrahJo says:

    My father-in-law visited us shortly after getting his new GPS – and generously offered to go get coffee/donuts at the local shop (7 blocks from our house) the first morning they were there – –

    An hour and a half later, they returned and I asked, “Did you get lost?” joking, figuring they had taken the scenic route by the lovely landscaping/lake nearby while I was dying for my first cup of coffee – – the reply,
    “Oh shut up – who new there was a Spring Valley over on the west side of town too?”
    :)

  28. Margie says:

    Great story! I was recently the back seat driver in a vehicle where two men, with two GPS’s managed to get lost a mere 1/2 hour into a 2 hour trip – on major roads with well marked signage.

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