“Life is better with a pint of Vermont’s finest.” I read the words at the top of the legal pad and laughed. There was no joy in the sound. It was a mirthless acknowledgement of the exquisite irony of life.
I had written those words barely 2 hours ago, and yet it was a lifetime away.
I had been sitting in the same chair I now occupied, winding down after a long weekend. One last check of my emails revealed a cheery reminder from Lenore, “Hope you’re all ready to go with your posts for 7:30 tomorrow morning!”
When Lenore first asked if me to be part of her Ben & Jerry’s blogging party, it sounded like fun. I intended to get the assignment done early. But my personal road to hell is paved with lots of good intentions, and this was just one more. I had forgotten all about it.
Grabbing a pad of paper, I swiftly wrote the title and waited for the muse to strike. I had nothing. The blank page mocked me. Hell, I hadn’t even had any Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for years. I checked my watch: 9:30. If I rushed I could get to the grocery store before they closed at 10. At least I could pick up a carton of inspiration.
I swung into the lot minutes before the store closed and headed for a parking spot closest to the door. A little, red sports car zipped in right in front of me, neatly cutting me off. A petite brunette hopped out of the car and walked by as I sat fuming in my car. She threw me a smirk with a toss of her long hair and I recognized her. She was one of a group of obnoxious workout Barbies at the gym who walked around like they owned the place, and made fun of those of us who are, shall we say, “less fit”.
I parked beside her car and hurried into the store. The temperature dropped 10 degrees when I turned into the frozen foods aisle. My temperature rose by that amount when I saw that Barbie was standing in front of the ice cream case. My steps slowed as I approached, checking out the goods. Edy’s…Dean’s…Breyers…Blue Bunny… bingo! There was the Ben & Jerry’s, but there was only 1 pint left -Karamel Sutra. Sounded yummy.
Barbie stood blocking the door, perusing the selection as if she had all day.
I said, “Excuse me. I just need to get in there to get that pint of Ben & Jerry’s”
She didn’t budge. Her mocking smile revealed teeth too white to be natural as she said “Oops! Sorry, but I’m taking that.”
“Oh, but…” I sputtered “Please…I really need it.”
She looked me up and down slowly, then laughed. “Yeah, you really look like you NEED it!”
I could feel my face heating. “I mean for an assignment. I have to write something about…”
My babbling trailed off as she reached into the freezer and plucked the pint of Ben & Jerry’s from the now-empty shelf. She held it in front of her tantalizingly and said, “Look, chubs, let me give you some advice. Better lay off the ice cream before you turn into one of those people who have to be taken out of your living room with a crane. Looks like you’re already just a few cartons away. “
I saw red. Baring my teeth in a smile as false as hers I said, “Look, Barbie, let me give YOU some advice. It doesn’t matter what brand you get, since you’re going to stick you finger down your throat as soon as you finish it. You can barf up the Haagen-Dazs tonight.”
With that, I grabbed the pint of Karamel Sutra right out of her hands.
The carton was a solidly frozen block I noted absently, as I took a moment to admire the almost comical look of surprise on her face. I turned and headed down the aisle.
I hadn’t gone more that a couple of feet before I was jerked back by a piercing pain in my scalp – the bi*ch had grabbed a hold of my hair! I spun around to see Barbie, not so beautiful now with her face twisted into an angry grimace. I grabbed at her hand, trying to lesson the pressure on my scalp and only at the last minute did I see a flash of blood red out of the corner of my eye. Then her nails raked viciously down the side of my face.
I howled at the searing pain and something seemed to snap inside me. A lifetime of mockery by the Barbies of the world had built up to this point and I watched as if I were a disinterested bystander as my hands, still cradling the rock-hard pint of ice cream, swung it at her head with all my strength. It made a dull thud as it connected with her temple. The blue skies and fluffy clouds on the package flashed up and down and up and down and up and down….
I was getting brain freeze from eating the ice cream so quickly, but I kept gulping it down as fast as possible. Normally I would savor the caramel swirls and chocolate pieces but I didn’t even taste it now. No way I was going to let everybody down by not having a post ready. Inspiration was going to strike at any minute, I was sure.
My hands were cold and sticky from holding the carton. I wiped them on the legs of my jeans, leaving red streaks interspersed with long, dark hairs.
The wail of police sirens sounded like a train, still far from the station, but drawing ever closer, closer.
A group of us are tackling the same sweet topic today. Thanks to Lenore at Lenore Diane for putting this together. Be sure to check out all the other bloggers. Some are old friends and others are new friends for us to get to know – how great is that!