Looking for a Valentine’s Day gift for that special someone?
Cupid meets Fear Factor
The Bronx Zoo is once again raising funds for the Wildlife Conservation Society, and you can help. For only $10 you get to name one of the zoo’s 58,000 giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches after your own true love.
As I reported last year, I encourage you to support this worthwhile charity, but consider carefully.
According to the zoo, nothing says “forever” like a cockroach. According to Peg-o-leg, nothing says “The End Is Near” for your relationship like comparing your sweetie to a gigantic cockroach.
To make sure you don’t crash and burn on this, the high-holy day of love, I’ve compiled a list of common Valentine gifts and the messages they send:
Single, red rose: I stopped looking when I met you.
Single, red foil-wrapped chocolate rose: I stopped at the gas station mini-mart on the way over.
Tattoo of your name across his chest: I’ll love you forever
Tattoo of World of Warcraft avatar babe across his chest: I’ll live in my parents’ basement forever.
Big box of chocolates: I adore you.
Big box of chocolate flavored Slim-Fast: I’d adore less of you.
Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to you: You’ll never know what you mean to me.
Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to someone else: You’ll never know about my wife and kids in Scranton.
Scanty, satin panties: You drive me wild, woman!
Big, cotton bloomers: You drive me to band practice, Mom.
Gift certificate for some pampering: Let’s get together and let nature take its course.
Gift certificate for some Pampers: Nature already took its course.
Diamond ring: We will spend the rest of our lives watching sunsets together.
Diamond walnuts: We will spend the rest of the night on your couch watching “Lizard Lick Towing” together.
It’s not easy to communicate what’s in your heart. When speaking the language of love, sometimes it’s best to bring an interpreter.
Nailed it again, Peggy
I’m just trying to help the clueless, Gwen.
Thanks for the tips!
Peg, you’ve provided a wonderful public service here. From here on, any gift that does not involve a giant hissing cockroach being named after me shall be considered a worthy gift.
It does help one put other gifts in perspective, doesn’t it?
Hilarious Peg, but I thought I had destroyed all those cards from past years.
You can never outrun your past, Al.
My husband once gave me sexy underwear – I complained I couldn’t see it tucked down there under my stomach. The next year he gave me the ugliest pajamas (something a clown would wear) one can imagine; they came in a Victoria’s Secret gift bag so that made it even worse. I nearly killed him. Sadly, I don’t think an interpeter would help, but maybe some Slimfast would do the trick.
Sometimes I wonder why we don’t see MORE husband-maimings around this time of year. Must be that most women have a whole lot of restraint.
Hysterical, Peggy. Your mind works in wonderful and mysterious ways!
Thanks, Lorna. Love the new haircut!
I agree with you on a cockroach for Valentine’s Day meaning “the end is near.” Ewwww….
Either that, or it shows a couple who are emminently secure in their relationship.
Nothing instills more terror in my heart than remembering a woman who was shopping in the lingerie dept where I used to work. She asked where she could find the “deep pants”, which I finally figured out meant GIGANTIC, FLAG-SIZED cotton bloomers. They came in white or black, and when I asked about her colour preference, she looked at me like I was crazy and said “white, of course! I don’t want my husband to get aroused if I come home wearing black ones!” Lady, I’m sure the issue was not just the colour of the bloomers. Trust me on this one.
NO! That did not really happen, did it? HA HA! Of course, one wouldn’t want one’s husband to be aroused by the sight of a huge, black tent.
True. She was probably just testing her husband’s arousal reflexes, which SHOULD NOT have been activated by bedspread-sized black cotton.
I remember one Christmas when I bought my girlfriend a very nice necklace. Her present for me? A handcart for hauling sound equipment. Now, I still use that handcart, but I am sure I just saw her piece of jewelry on “Pawn Stars”…. The moral? Practicality does not equal romance.
Interesting to get the man’s perspective. I usually buy chocolates and flowers for Bill, but he doesn’t care a damn about either thing. I thought most guys were really practical and would rather have a handcart or a toolbelt or some such junk?
I’m impressed that you spent enough that the necklace was worth pawning.
Nothing says “My love goes running under the fridge when the lights turn on” quite like naming a cockroach after him. It is quirky, though, which I can appreciate.
It is pretty quirky. Like I said before, you’d have to have a pretty secure relationship to think you could get away with this and not end up sleeping on the couch for the rest of the year.
But it could still be a good Valentine’s gift if I named the cockroach after one of her ex-boyfriends.
It would be better if you named one after one of YOUR ex-girlfriends.
Oh, Peg, I’m rolling! LOL Missed you!
Thanks, Patti. Hope your special someone makes the right choices today.
So much learning just happened in my little, clueless head. Thanks, lady!
As you know, I’m all about the education.
This was so clever. I’m still trying to interpret last year’s gift certificate for an hour with a personal trainer.
That’s a toughie. Could mean “I love you so much I want you healthy so you’ll be around me forever”. Also could mean “you’re fat”. When in doubt, assume the positive.