We Need More Taxes

If you do the crime, you pay the fine.

What’s wrong with America is some of y’all need to be paying more taxes.  

Taxes raise money, sure, but the government also uses them to change our behavior.  We are encouraged to do some things (buy houses and windmills) and not do others (smoke, drink and drive cars). 

I’ve come up with a comprehensive tax plan that expands on that idea.  It will bring in much needed cash, and encourage everyone to follow the “right” path. 

Here’s a partial list of my proposed taxes:

Individuals

  • Me No Like-y Tax:  Each time the word “like” is used, except to express a preference, or to compare things, it will be taxed.  Tax collectors will be stationed in junior highs, high schools and malls on a Saturday afternoon. 
  • Scanties Tax:  This fine is imposed each time we are forced to look at someone’s underwear because his or her pants are too low.  It is waived if the person is a professional underwear model. The fine will be doubled if the low pants reveal an area that SHOULD be underwear-clad, but isn’t – the BCC addendum (butt-crack cleavage).
  • Tortoise Tax:  This is levied against anyone driving more than 5 miles below the speed limit.  Tax doubled if it is rush hour, if there is only one lane available, or if the offender is hanging out in the passing lane.

Businesses

  • Murdering the King’s English Tax:  Imposed on businesses that deliberately misspell, misuse and generally slaughter the English language.  This will be levied for:
    • Using dumbed-down synonyms like: lite, rite, hunny, nu, ez
    • Adding “e” to words to make them looke olde
    • Substituting “k” for “c” to kompel kute alliteration
  • Nobody’s Home Tax:  Imposed on businesses that use computer telephone answering systems without the option to press zero to reach a human.  The tax is doubled if the phone recording is set for “folksy” and says things like “OK, let me look that up for you.”  Nobody is looking anything up.  Don’t you think we get that this is a computer?
  • Green Is The Color Of Money Tax:  Fines are levied on companies for changing the packaging or advertising on the same old stuff, solely to jump on the “green” bandwagon.  A corresponding tax will also be levied on the consumer who buys stuff to give the appearance of caring for the environment, without having to do any heavy lifting.

I was thinking of a flat 10 cents tax per infraction, but we can work out the details later.  I welcome input as we get the dialogue going.

I welcome constructive input, that is.  Some critics have said this is nothing more than a scheme to punish people who do things that bother me.  To these cynics I say; let me introduce you to the Smart Ass Tax

That will be 10 cents each, please.

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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172 Responses to We Need More Taxes

  1. Jane says:

    Uh- oh….I am an offender of 3 of these! Where do I mail my check?

  2. If only our politicians had your vision. I believe we could wipe out the deficit and raise more than enough revenue to fund social security, medicare, medicaid, education, defense spending, etc. with a simple one cent per tweet tax.

  3. Can i suggest a “slang shouldn’t be mainstream” tax? I should not turn my TV on and see people over a certain age using terms such as “bling” and “LOL.” Or maybe a “you’re too big/old to wear that” tax…

  4. Funny stuff! I agree with the Nobody’s Home Tax.

  5. This is like so funny! I’m like with you on most of these. Can you like guess which one I like oppose?

    Congrats on like being Freshly Pressed. You better like hang on for the ride.

    And here’s my like 10 cents for the Smart Ass tax!

    Kathy

  6. On the ‘Tortoise Tax’ – everything else I heartily agree with – but this one I cannot. Greedy fuel use is leading the planet towards the terrible situations of Peak Oil, Land Ravage to claim further hard to extract oil sources, and Climate Change due to petro-chemical use. There are many other side-effects of all of these including war, starvation, dust-bowling, homelessness, poverty, land-grab, de-forestation and so many more terrible awful things. Driving slower will lead to oil stocks lasting longer, less pollution and also reduces accidents, injuries and road deaths.

    My favourite tax – the Robin-Hood Tax – lets make this playing field a bit flatter – people don’t NEED shiny stuff (including teeth), nor do they need lots of plastic stuff or TV’s the size of a wall – but there are people who need food and clothing and shelter. So – how about a tax to make that fairer?!

    • pegoleg says:

      Heartfelt, impassioned comment. I was right with you until you got to the teeth. Not sure I get that part.

    • 80price says:

      I’m not sure that driving under the speed limit is going to reduce global warming or fuel usage. It’s a nice thought though: Drive slowly, save the planet!

    • HHRadmin says:

      Massachusetts is already considering a ‘Tortoise Tax’. Since people are using more efficient cars and driving slower, we are using less gasoline per mile driven than in the past. The result is that the state is collecting less gasoline tax than it use to. The state legislature is considering a bill that will raise taxes based on the number of miles driven. So the tree huggers, in their Priuses will pay as much as John F. Kerry in his Escalades.
      What we also need is an ‘I’m Better Than You Because I Care More’ tax.

  7. It's just a web site man! says:

    I think if we just tax anyone that says the word “irregardless”, we can fund the government for at least the next 10 years…

    http://ginzotalk.wordpress.com/2011/04/18/you-hungry/

    • pegoleg says:

      That’s a teeth-gritter. Sometimes, in conversation, my nimble brain is skipping ahead and I see that word on the horizon. I brace myself so I won’t noticably flinch if the speaker mangles it.

  8. I would be taxed to death by the “Me No Like-y Tax”…it was actually one of my New Year’s resolutions to do better in this area, but I haven’t been successful.

  9. Love the smart-ass tax!!…lmao!!!

  10. ravensmarch says:

    I’d like to suggest a yearly tax in the order of $5 each year levied upon everyone eligible to vote, to be called the “Not Looking After Your Own Interests Tax.” Full rebates are handed out at polling stations, including interest, for the period beginning at the end of the previous election.

    The mechanism would be more easily put in place where elections are at regular intervals like the US, but the rebates could really add up in places like Canada where the election can be as soon as the moment the next session of Parliament opens (in the case of a minority government) or as distant as five years away (since we don’t vote on quite as much stuff as Americans do).

    • pegoleg says:

      I’d been hounding my recently adultified children on the importance of voting, until someone pointed out – do we really want totally clueless people deciding our future? Maybe the $5 rebate comes after the voter passes a quiz on the issues?

  11. smilesndreams says:

    Great post again! I love your humorous writing style. I’m completely with you on the ‘Tortoise tax’. I think they should be taxed an extra 10 cents if they are driving in the middle lanes (and not using the right most lane) and driving 5 miles below speed during rush hour. And yes, it’s soo annoying to hear that those automated messages right, One trick I have learned from my husband – keep yelling ‘customer service representative’ until the operator says multiple times, ‘I cannot understand you, let me get a customer service representative for you’! That does the trick 
    Congrats on getting FP!

    • pegoleg says:

      I like the suggestion of yelling “customer service”. With the stuff I’M yelling, the computer says “you should be ashamed of yourself.”

      • KathrineROID says:

        My mom does this, and I’m sure I will as soon as I’m the one dealing with R2-D2s answering the phone. “Customer service. . . customer service. . . customer service. . . customer service. . . hi!”

        Another trick: when the computer gives you all your options and numbers to press and then pauses long enough for you to think that’s all, hang in there. A “customer service” option may be given in a few seconds.

  12. Plus a special local business tax for restaurants that offer “Ceasar” Salad or any use of quotation marks for no good reason – for example, the place near me that sells a club sandwich made with “real” chicken.

  13. rjneeley says:

    Love this post! I am fully in support of the “Tortoise Tax” and the “Murdering the King’s English Tax”. I cannot stand seeing Kountry Korner stores and anything else people will do to our language. I’m one who will enter full words in my rare text messages! Keep writing :)

  14. wealthsuccesskeys says:

    I like your “Nobody’s Home Tax”!

    Thanks for the smiles to fuel my day, I must admit my blogs are also getting somewhat sarcastic…. hmmm.

    Only way to change that is to quit reading the paper and interacting with the world… I tried that, it did’nt quite work either, in the end, needed that world to be there!!!

    All best to your day!
    C*

  15. Ms. H says:

    I would like to add the Just Kidding tax – imposed on all who speak initials when full words are called for. JK- BRB – LOL.

  16. thor27 says:

    I totally disagree 100% we don’t need more taxes,we’re taxed to death already the problem is the the taxes collected are squandered by idiots. Their mentality of uncontrolled spending and absolute overbearing micro management government is unacceptable totally. The entitlement mentality of these neanderthals is appalling for
    it’s unimaginative nonabstractive constraining parameters that are totally suffocating this nation into a 3rd rate banana republic status with no liberties and future. Spending cuts and restraints and entreprenaurship and cognitive abstract thinking and originality are required not a return to a failed socialistic dogma that the leftists
    want. Marxism,Communism,Socialism all failed at tremendous costs in human life economic failure and mind numbing stifling repressiveness always taxing the soul and resources while never delivering the promised results. Taxation and Spending or as they try to camouflage it as comprehensive investments is failed already the proof of the pudding is already there and the verdict is in. All the persuations and pleadings and rationalizations cannot make a failure a success. More taxation will not cure anything it will only push us into the abyss of irretrievable irremediable economic total
    disaster. I could not disagree with your prognosis to cure the countrys economic woes more !!! More taxation isn’t the way !!!

  17. Pingback: We Need More Taxes (via Ramblings) « A Bit of Everything

  18. Congrats on being Freshly Taxed…ooops, my bad, I mean Freshly Pressed.

    Blessings,

    Ava
    xox

  19. Funny and interesting post. :)

    On Nobody’s Home Tax-Companies want to maximize technology by setting up those automated system which can provide basic information to callers’ may need but the thing that most people need is “human connection.” Moreover, computer telephones don’t have all the answers and have limited functions.

    I agree. All systems like that should have option to talk to humans right away.

  20. newsy1 says:

    And so-called possible presidential candidates that really aren’t going to run but just want PR for their own agendas, book, TV shows etc. should be taxed to the max for wasting the public airwaves on blah, blah, blah.

  21. Wendy McDaniels says:

    Maybe add an extra-heavy tax on Ivy League-graduated Presidents that say Nuk-u-lar. Might’ve taken a big chunk off the National debt by now.

    Brilliant articles and humor, by the way.

    • pegoleg says:

      That’s a great idea! To be fair, then we’d have to tax presidents who always do the thumb-and-forefinger-together emphasizing gesture. There are so many ways our leaders annoy us, we’re sure to solve the debt crisis. (thanks!)

  22. Congrats on Freshly Pressed and straightening out this whole tax thingy. It has been a long time coming. I never thought we’d see thoughtful, meaningful tax reform. Glad I could add my ten cents on all this…

    • pegoleg says:

      And politicians are always whining on about how tough this legislating and tax reform stuff is. Ha!
      For which infraction are you contributing 10 cents? Do I see a hint of the ‘ol Fruit of the Looms there?

  23. (Isn’t this actually your third time in Freshly Pressed??)
    I would like to add a tax for not capitalizing the pronoun I, or failing to capitalize anything at all.

    • pegoleg says:

      Yes, indeedy. Retirement fund totally emptied out for FP bribes, but I’m sure generous readers will make sure I don’t starve in the streets in my old age.

      I’m with you on the capitalization thing. I’m working on a post about that right now.

  24. While ideas like the above are tempting, they are also a recipe for disaster: Attempts to force people to be the way they “should be” (or to punish them for failure to be so) are very dangerous and will end up doing more harm than good when practiced as a matter of course. Consider questions like who decides what is right, how easy the tables can be turned, and how the cure can do more damage than the disease. Rules should be introduced when and where actually needed and provided that they have a sufficient consensus. “Thou shalt not kill” is a good example; “Thou shalt not wear thine trousers the wrong way” is a very poor one.

    I recommend Terry Pratchett’s “Witches abroad”, which is partially a satire of this attitude (and also exceedingly funny). I should warn you, however: He has been known to add “e” to words to make them looke olde.

    • pegoleg says:

      I agree with you on principle. The exception would be if I get to be the arbiter. I have full faith in my ability to make fair, impartial judgements for the benefit of lesser mortals who just can’t seem to get it right.

      I will check out your reading suggestion, and, who knows; I may be willing to waive the adding “e” prohibition. (See, you can’t get more fair than me!)

  25. If there was a smart ass tax, I would be in prison for life. Congrats on Freshly Pressed.

  26. MCG ESQ says:

    Genious, but make it a $1 per infraction and we will be out of the deficit in a month.

  27. Yusra says:

    I suggest the geography-related tax (I’m facing an all-enveloping block which means that I can’t come up with a witty name) – for those incapable of properly naming/placing obvious countries of the world. (Not being American, I’m using the generalisations I’ve come to believe because I like to).

    • pegoleg says:

      OK, I’ll go along with a “Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego Tax”, but only if there is a tax-back to countries who have changed their name, boundries or city names in the 40 years since I took geography, thereby making me look much dumber than I actually am.

  28. luke122 says:

    i didn’t even have to read it

    • pegoleg says:

      Oops – looks like you owe 10 cents for forgetting to capitalize.

      • Tar-Buns says:

        The moral of the story, Luke; it is always better to be informed, i.e., read something you are commenting on, BEFORE you comment. Now, you have broken the law and it will cost you your hard earned dimes.

        Have a nice day!

  29. CrystalSpins says:

    I will be forwarding this to my senator…after I post it on Facebook!

    Crystal

  30. ancientfoods says:

    Amen to all!!!!

  31. Tar-Buns says:

    FP times 3! Congrats, Sista. As one who just posted our taxes (owe fed), anything besides the inanity of our elected officials’ decisions on what to tax would be welcome. Enjoy the ride. Also, nice reply to Luke :) Some people just don’t get humor, do they?

    • pegoleg says:

      Thanks, Sis. You’re very brave to wait until the last minute like this. I took my tax return to the post office last week and was still all panicked about the postmarked date. The IRS has cameras everywhere, and little robots the size of spiders that follow everyone around and they know if you cheat. Or so I heard, but I don’t believe it, really.
      I don’t know if Luke doesn’t get humor, or doesn’t think this is funny. Potato, PoTATo, right?

      • Tar-Buns says:

        How about Mr. potato head? Just kiddin… (ooops – I broke the changing the English language with slang, and I’m over 20) – yeeh gads!.

        Per the taxes, that is why I take my little envelopes to the PO and watch them hand date-stamp my envelopes before giving them over for their journey to tax-land. Don’t have a copy of the postmark, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

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  33. I was going to tax Thor on using the word “nonabstractive” in his comments, but then I found out it’s a word. But “heigth” isn’t. I want those people to be fined and incarcerated. Please. This post is hilarious. many congrats on being FP!

    • pegoleg says:

      Gotta admit I missed the “nonabstractive” as I was kinda glazing over by then. As soon as I acquire an entourage I’ll have my minions take care of that. Thanks for the kind words!

  34. My favorites are the Tortoise Tax and Murdering the King’s English- also two of my pet peeves. This is absolutely hilarious by the way, especially since I wasn’t too sure what to expect from the title. Well done on Freshly Pressed. Well deserved.

  35. thesacredmongoose says:

    Fantastic ideas! Draft the proposals and send them off immediately!

  36. I am so with you for taxing for “komplete kute alliteration”, I would not call cute…I really dislike them!

    Great post!

  37. Highly enjoyable read! My favorite is the downstairs cleavage tax. I might even add a bellow the belt muffin top tax (i.e. when you can see their stomach on the outside of their shirt. I mean, tuck your belly in please.

  38. Lòt Poto-a says:

    What you need is the “bullcrap tax.”

    Every time a politician says a complete lie, tax them thousands and give it the the needy businesses to spur the economy. Sort of like a backwards Robin Hood Tax.

    Or maybe Hipster Tax. ‘Cuz we all know that hipsters have got to go…

    • pegoleg says:

      I’m with you on the bullcrap tax, but I’ll have to pass on the hipster, only because I’m not qualified to identify them. Is being hip like being groovy?

      • Lòt Poto-a says:

        No; being a hipster consists of the wearing of garish and odd clothing (usually feminine on men) in order to push against the fold of normal humanity and enjoying unpopular or obscure music/films as a way to make themselves seem as an elitist class-if too many people have heard/seen it, it is below them.

  39. Pingback: Breathing the Air of Geert Lovink for a minnie’ « havinachat

  40. ToChickenToSay says:

    How about a tax on women with tatoos? Double tax if they smoke. Tax ‘em every day until they laser it off.

  41. Pingback: More Taxes?! « bloggingblog1

  42. I think she means those tacky gold teeth that people will get. Popular among the hip-hop community and white people that are trying really hard to be hip-hop.

  43. I’m with the Tortoise Tax! What about a moronic customer tax for rude shoppers? It would be a relief for those of us who use to or still work in retail. Or a Boom car tax for people who sit in their cars blasting their music past 10PM but don’t anywhere.

  44. Amusing! I love people who tell it like it is :D

  45. I full support the Murdering the King’s English Tax. I’d also like to add “ain’t” to the list. Sure, it’s in the dictionary, but ain’t is NOT a word!

  46. makingup3000 says:

    Okay I think I would be slammed on the “smart ass tax”. But it’d be so worth it. I just can’t help myself.
    Funny post!!

  47. I am so with you for taxing for “komplete kute alliteration”, I would not call cute…I really dislike them!

  48. Sandy Sue says:

    OMG, yer, like, hilarious!

    From some of the comments you’ve gotten a Get Over Yourself Tax might be profitable.

  49. saltybi11 says:

    Tortoise Tax!!! AMEN

    • pegoleg says:

      I’m surprised not everyone goes along with that one. Just got off a two-lane highway and I was pointing my imaginary tax-levying-wand at lots of dolts who were holding me up!

  50. Plus a special local business tax for restaurants that offer “Ceasar” Salad or any use of quotation marks for no good reason – for example, the place near me that sells a club sandwich made with “real” chicken.

  51. richannkur says:

    well written article… well I quiet afraid of taxes as in India we pay taxes for each and everything…..:(

  52. Jackie says:

    Peg, this is ridiculous. Congrats again, my talented friend. :)

  53. briankmcneal says:

    Those are really funny! Finally some taxes I can get behind (pardon the pun).

  54. ssarah24 says:

    omgomgomg you’re on FP again! Congrats! :D I think you can now be sure that you’re pretty awesome! As for taxes, I’m with you there. That bullcrap tax someone suggested earlier, I’m all for it.

  55. This is super. I LIKE it a lot. My 8 year old is going to write it out 100 times. I am apologetically British and have am confused by this desire to vanquish letters. How hard is it to incorporate a gh in Lite? It is just the one consonant extra, or why it is cool and cute to go droppin’ your Gs.

    On acronyms, dont get me started. LOL in the UK used to stand for Lots of Love, not an attractive sign off but better than the current meaning of LOL. One has visions of the sender, apoplectic and drooling over their keyboard. We need to muster up an acronym for ‘Mildly Amused’ and watch it snowball. MA doesn’t really have the zing.

    My last post was on a tax hike as well – http://inkquillibrium.com/2011/04/16/my-own-two-cents-on-the-us-budget/

    • pegoleg says:

      I know somebody, about my age, who sent a condolence card in the event of a death and signed it LOL, also meaning lots of love. She had NO idea it had taken on a new meaning. Yikes! I’ll check out your post – thanks for stopping by.

  56. Pingback: We Need More Taxes (via Ramblings) | When someone says "TMI!" I want to punch them in the face and not tell them why.

  57. MKC says:

    Great post. I want to elect you to the senate so you can get something done for us over-taxed citizens!! Congrat’s on being Freshly Pressed!!

  58. rantsbyras says:

    I’m with you.

    …but somehow people always seem to wind up disagreeing on the details.

  59. John Hunsinger says:

    Congratulations Peg! I’m afraid that I owe a lot of money to …..someone. The poor grammar tax and the smart ass tax would break me. I had a customer once the name of her business; Kathy’s Koffee Kup. Lets all go to the KKK for a Kup of Koffee.

  60. Mike Gallo says:

    I got as far as the Massachusetts comment and had to stop. There is a Reason they Call it Tax-A-Chusettes. More Oli, Less Oil The Government Will be Paid. I am all for a Tax on Misuse of The Kings English. Especially these terms:
    All of The Sudden, So Dosen’t I, Seen insted of Saw, Exspecially and Dog when used to describe a human.
    Oh and axe instead of Ask.

  61. Can i suggest a “slang shouldn’t be mainstream” tax? I should not turn my TV on and see people over a certain age using terms such as “bling” and “LOL.” Or maybe a “you’re too big/old to wear that” tax…

  62. Grumpa Joe says:

    Finally, someone with a sense of humor and common sense. If we adopt your taxing system we no doubt would have enough money to pay down the deficit and have a surplus budget to spread around.

  63. rosslongaz says:

    Absolutely loved this read. I read the title and thought this post had to be written by someone misguided, drunk or completely confused about common sense. Turns out it’s none of the above; posting about taxes with a sense of humor takes a lot, as it’s something that frustrates most into tourrettes-like rants. High five for taking the high road ;]

    • pegoleg says:

      I’ll take any road, as long as they don’t charge a toll! Remember, we’re still taking ideas for the new tax overhaul. (thanks for the kind words.)

  64. Mackenzie | Red Roan Chronicles says:

    You forgot the other “e” offense… adding “e” to the beginning of words to make them sound emodern, edigital and eInterneted. :D

  65. That water is just so pristine and that meat is making my mouth water. As one who’s driven through the California dessert too many times, I know what you mean about the scenery. Enjoy the rest of your trip. Great photos!

  66. justdc says:

    lol, great post!

  67. pegoleg says:

    Not sure if you’re:
    a) double entendre-ing all over the place with the “great scenery” and “meat making my mouth water” comments about my photo of the guy’s butt cleavage or
    b) confusing my blog with another’s. Either way, I’ll be sure to enjoy the rest of my trip.

  68. I would have loved to impose the low pants tax on this woman I saw at Pottery Barn. Not only should you wear appropriate underwear when wearing low rise jeans but I feel at a certain age you should ‘t wear them either. I swear the woman was nearly 70 and all I saw when she squatted down to look at something on a bottom shelf was not just the peep of her crack but half of it. And it was not model butt either. It was wrinkly, no underwear butt.

  69. thor27 says:

    I read freshly pressed almost daily
    Check out my blog sometime.
    “Whatcha need Got you covered in Northwest Houston,Tx.”

  70. This is like so funny! I’m like with you on most of these. Can you like guess which one I like oppose?

    Congrats on like being Freshly Pressed. You better like hang on for the ride.

    And here’s my like 10 cents for the Smart Ass tax!

  71. That’s a great idea! To be fair, then we’d have to tax presidents who always do the thumb-and-forefinger-together emphasizing gesture. There are so many ways our leaders annoy us, we’re sure to solve the debt crisis. (thanks!)

  72. Excellent post thanks for sharing. I enjoy reading your blog very much because of your point of view on things. You have very useful information here.

    For more great stories like this I also recommend you visit:
    Changing Lifestyles

  73. rtcrita says:

    I am just now catching up with your posts and cracked up on the “Nobody’s Home Tax!” Gawd, that gets me, too, the way these computer generated responses are made to try to trick you into thinking you are talking with an actual human being. Really?!

    Sometimes I amuse myself by asking how her children and husband have been lately. Or what she’s making for dinner tonight. She never answers, but I feel like I should be able to engage her in a few fake comments, too, right?

    • pegoleg says:

      Or the people who make their answering machine message sound like they picked up the phone, and they don’t start the “Nobody’s home” part until after you start jabbering. Cute! Annoying!

  74. nagan says:

    They should put all you tax increase people in One category and raise you guys taxes along with Warren buffet.

    thanks
    http://www.nicolletpost.com

  75. rbhatch says:

    LOL. I endorse some of the taxes you mention. Being forced to look at the crack of some slob’s derriere is a real turn-off. I’d never make it as a medical doctor.

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